Sunday, 11 September 2016

Bill on the Cyberweb

Bill knows about the Internet but doesn't use it himself. He knows it from the wife mainly, who spends most of the day posting up crap about herbal remedies or astrology or whatever fad she's going through at the time. Anyway, the other day Bill heard from the wife that she was "getting trolled" by somebody who was calling her a cunt for believing in astrology or ghosts or something like that. Bill was pretty sanguine about it.
    "I faked a bit of outrage, but I thought those lads were doing me a real service. Hat's off to them. Can't fucking stand it when she starts on about being a libra or whatever. 'Can't walk the dog today cos I'm a libra', 'Can't cook dinner today cos I'm a libra.', 'Well, you think I'm a lazy old cow cos you're a scorpio.' Its a bloody nightmare sometimes. Not to mention that time with Janet."
     "One time I went up to Janet down the road and told her how sorry I was to hear that she had cancer, only to find out later on that the pigging wife had said to me that she was a cancer. That mistake cost me three round trips to Lidl."
     I asked Bill what he thought about Facebook.
     "Can't complain really. Keeps the wife quiet most of the time, which is a blessing. And I reckon its the main reason why kids don't write 'fuck off' on the walls any more. That's a shame, but what can you do?"

Bill's Theory About Who Wrote Shakespeare

The other day, Bill started on about Shakespeare. Some book had come out recently questioning whether Shakespeare had written the plays or not. According to Bill the bloke who'd written the book was on the telly and had this posh accent which made him sound like "a fucking oboe." Predictably, Bill had something to say on the matter.
    "What's amazing is that these posh pricks simply cannot bear to think that their beloved fucking bard had a day job selling shit out of a van in Stratford. They're so pissed off with Shakespeare not being from the old boy's network they've even concocted all this spurious shit about how Shakespeare was really the pen name of somebody with far better breeding. Some real royalist bumlickers even say it was Queen Elizabeth. Get me a bucket Stanley. They say things like 'If Shakespeare wrote all those plays, why didn't Shakespeare mention his greatness to the plebs he was surrounded by ever?' Pretty obvious the way I see it. If I had a sideline writing poems and plays for a bunch of pretentious old dearies down in London, I'd keep pretty fucking schtum about it to my mates down the boozer. I'd never hear the fucking end of it. Some things never change, Stanley."

On Bill's Telly: North Korea

Went round to Bill's house. There was this show on about this North Korean family living in Pyongyang. It was quite an old documentary and was before they'd spruced up the place a bit. It all looked a bit depressing - it looked like a mid-sized Northern town. Anyway about halfway through they started watching the news on the telly.
     "I wonder what our Dear Leader is up to today."
     "I don't know but I'm very excited to find out."
     The Dear Leader wasn't up to all that much in the end. Most of the people outside of North Korea thought he was dead and had been replaced by a stuntman, but the way they watched the news got me thinking about the other night at Bill's house. That show Question Time was on. People from the audience asked questions to the politicians about what they were going to do about the immigrants and the NHS and all that. The politicians said all the usual stuff. As the show progressed Bill got himself caught up in the action.
     "What a fucking Tory cunt." He said at one point toward the end.
     "The clue's in the title you fucking idiot. Its called Question Time. Whenever some pissbag in the audience doesn't ask a question but just makes some impassioned statement instead that Dimbleby should do his job properly and just say 'Not a fucking question. Next.'"
     Although the North Korean thing was filmed and the family probably didn't want to be seen shouting "fucking cunt" at the screen in case the Dear Leader ever heard about it, it was unlikely that this kind of thing ever happened in the hermit kingdom. Sometimes, seeing Bill fuming in front of the screen made me want to move there.